Tuesday, October 19, 2010

What really bothers me about "Jumper"

Short article this time, folks. For two reasons:
  1. There's not a lot that bothers me about the movie "Jumper". It's simple, good fun, with some nice ideas and special effects.
  2. I've scheduled this post for tomorrow, and that's like tomorrow or something.
Jumper's not a bad movie at all. It's main problems arise from the fact that it was intended to be part one of a longer series. You can tell by the way Hayden Christiansen never uses his powers to become a hero, how he spends the entire movie - and I mean the entire movie - learning, and the fact that almost no-one at all dies over the entire course of the movie (Except some faceless paladins, and they may as well have shown up in red shirts to begin with, and his Dad)

The film is pure escapist fantasy, aimed to appeal to teenage boys and to men who aren't done growing up (who, me?) and I have to say it does it well.

So let's talk about what bugs me.

Holy crusaders, Batman!

Firstly, we are the Paladins have been chasing the Jumpers since the middle ages. How? I can understand how they do it now, in the 21st century, but what exactly were they supposed to do if they cornered someone in the Holy Roman Empire who jumped to the New World in a flash. Send a homing pigeon? "Quick! To the coaches! If we hurry, we can get there only about seven months after they do!"

And what did these medieval types do once they caught a Jumper? We're pretty much told that the only way to stop one is to electrify them. How did they pull that off in the 1500s? I have images of them tricking a jumpet into a heavily carpetted room, where a team of Paladins have been shuffling their feet in preparation of unleashing a devastating barage of static electricity.

Samuel L. Jackson's hair.

He's a fundamentalist, who has dedicated his entire life to pursuing Jumpers. Yet he dyes his hair white. Let's set aside the fact that vanity is one of the seven deadly sins and not really a character trait you'd expect to find in a holy warrior. The man has to go undercover! He has to travel the world investigating Jumpers, interviewing their families, staking out suspected Jump locations and talking his way into secure facilities. Being a six foot-two-and-a-half-inch-tall black dude with hair dyed pure white is not conducive to stealthy espionage work. Even if you DON'T look and talk exactly like that Jules Winnfield chap from Pulp Fiction.

And when does he find time to get his hair done? At what time is he not pursuing Jumpers long enough to book a session with Alfonse to get his roots touched up?

This Chick:

I know this is petty and obscure. I know that no-one else in the cinema noticed her, and I sure as hell know the Director didn't. I have to believe he'd have shot the scene again if he had.

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