Monday, November 22, 2010

The Debt Crisis on Infinite Earths.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ireland is currently in the midst of a financial crisis that may have no way out. The IMF black helicopters are circling Dublin, while Angela Merkel is having the Irish Central Bank measured for new carpets.

In times like these, it may seem pointless to look for one man who can get us out of these dire straits. Surely, no single person who has the financial and leadership skills to navigate the way to economic stability would be willing to take over, once the current government inevitably leaves office in disgrace.

But fear not! There is one man who would be more than qualified to run the show, and he is one who I am sure would welcome the challenge.

The following are the reasons why Lex Luthor should be the next Taoiseach of Ireland.

Is he qualified?

He was president of the United States of America, for crissakes. And it was a largely successful run, too. Except for the end, of course, when he tried to take out Batman and Superman at the same time. This was a move that rates on the Scale of Smart Presidential Decisions somewhere between "Let's put the entire conspiracy on audio tape" and "It's a nice day; we can ride with the top down".

But every politician is allowed one mistake, and he has more than made up for it.

Superman: Red Son is a fun little romp set in an alternate universe where Superman's rocket crash lands in Soviet Russia; he becomes the hero of Stalinism, and eventually Stalin's successor. Luthor finds himself president of America in a world where only it and Chile have refused to join the USSR. And he still finds a way to balance the budget and get a 100% approval rating.

But it's not just his political skills we could benefit from. He's a billionaire. He could bail out the economy personally. And when it comes time for the banks to re-pay the loans, who knows more about how to get money out of banks that the greatest criminal mind ever over-acted by Gene Hackman?

Nevertheless, I understand that giving over, like, a fifth of your personal fortune is hard for someone like him. You don't become Taoiseach to spend money - quite the opposite.

So international bail-outs may be needed. And if those bail-outs come at the point of a mass driver, giant "laser", or other doomsday device aimed at Brussels, then at the end of the day, it's just less paperwork for everyone involved.

Did you know that one of our Ministers for Finance once had to resign from government for helping direct tax-payer money to an operation that ran guns to terrorists? This finance minister was Charles Haughey, and he came back from the political wilderness about ten years later to actually run the government. Lex Luthor has a word for people who get caught supplying weapons to terrorists: Amateurs. Rest assured, Luthor knows how to deal with terrorists. And when I say "deal with" I mean "make deals with", a vital skill in running this island.

What's in it for him?

One word: Power. Power and prestige. OK. Two words. And respectability. I'll start again.

What's in it for him?

Three words: Power, prestige and respectability. These are the things, which in addition to security...

What's in it for him?

Among such things as power, prestige, respectability and security are the other less-worthy-of-mention benefits of running a multi-million dollar international corporation. All of these things he would need to give up if he wanted to be the prime minister of Ireland, so why would Lexxy want to take on this role?

Victor von Doom has it. Darkseid has it. Lex doesn't have it (well, not since he accidentally blew up Lexor). It is a population of willing servants who worship him, and are willing to go to the wall for him against whichever super-hero happens to be in town.

Now, while Ireland has never been one to fall in love with its politicians, there are a few simple acts he could perform to get the mindless and undying devotion he would need from us. These include:
  1. Taking the Irish national soccer team to the world cup quarter-finals
  2. Bringing Dara O'Brian back to The Panel
  3. Punching any and/or all of the following people right in the face: Eamonn Dunphy, Pat Kenny, Brian Cowen, Bosco and either Mick McCarthy or Roy Keane (that one is very region-specific)
I think Ireland can take it. Our international reputation is surprisingly resilient, considering. If any nation on Earth can be ruled over by a megalomaniacal villain (again) and still get invited to the nicer parties, it's us.

And when the Justice League inevitably comes to arrest him, he can always fortify and retreat to Charles Haughey's private island. I understand it has all the original death-traps still in place.


  1. I'm not convinced. Can he talk more about what he will do for the Irish language? I hear purges are back in season! :)

  2. "Taking the Irish national soccer team to the world cup quarter-finals"

    Step too far. Credibility gone.

  3. +++
    "Taking the Irish national soccer team to the world cup quarter-finals"

    Step too far. Credibility gone.

    Hey, if Jack Charlton had asked for someone to take on the Justice League in 1990, he'd have had about 3.5 million volunteers.

  4. There is no problem Lex can't solve. It's just that people whine about what that verb can really mean.