For the Benefit of All

Some time tomorrow, NASA are holding a press conference to announce... something.

Nobody's quite sure what it's about, but dollars to donuts (or even doughnuts) the announcement will be groundbreaking news about a new scientific discovery which will have repercussions in acadamic fields for decades, but because it's not "Look! Here are pictures of aliens! And they're wearing hats!" it will be ignored by the mainstream media and the public at large.

Trust me. It's happened before.

But until that inevitable moment of crushing despair about the state of the media and of the world at large arrives, let's have some fun speculating on what the announcement might be...

1. "Nothing much... you?"

We have no news really. Just having a press conference to check in and see what's up with you guys. How're things in the mass media? Awkward silence.

2. "We're having a party!"

Everyone's going - all the federal agencies will be there. ATF is bringing the booze and rumour has it DEA may even show up. Shit gets off the hook when DEA is in town. It'll be slammin' bro. Come along, The Media. Oh, and give The Arts a call and see if they're up for it as well.

3. "The moon landings were fake."

Yes. NASA never went to the moon. The landings were supposed to be filmed on a soundstage in New Mexico, but filming was relocated to Vancouver at the last minute in order to take advantage of tax breaks and cheaper overheads.

If you look closely at the shot of Buzz Aldrin descending the lander steps, you can just make out a Tim Horton's in the background.

4. "We're re-labelling the solar system (again)"

The following entities are having their planetary status downgraded to Diet Planets:

Pluto
P3X-888
Uranus
Urmomsanus
The Death Star
Planet Hollywood

And the following entities are being upgraded to Actual Planets:

Pluto
P3X-984
The 2nd Death Star, under construction above The Forest Moon of Endor
The Forest Moon of Endor
Planet of the Apes (the original, not the remake)
Little Big Planet
Fern Britton (we will land a man on her, assuming we ever find a volunteer)

5. "The Space Shuttle is being decommissioned."

Yes, we know we already told you, but you seem to have all forgotten that there's only two more liftoffs left.

After thirty years, this technological and engineering marvel will be no more. Why aren't you talking about this? Opal fruits got their name changed, and you guys ran a fricking campaign.

You in the cable news channels, yes you in the back, you will have public polls to discuss the new season of Dancing with the Stars but you won't notice a genuine moment of aeronautical history if it buzzed your house at mach-3.

Actually, you probably would. You'd probably run a 24-hour news cycle about noise pollution without mentioning the fact that the thing that just rattled your roof tiles with its sonic boom CAME BACK FROM SPACE. When the hell did that stop being the realisation of man's best endeavours and endless ingenuity and become a nuisance? Just get out. And don't come back until you can name all six shuttles.

6. "We have received a transmission from another star."

The transmission, originating from the solar system SCR 1845-6357, was received a short time ago. It has has already been deciphered and, translated into English, it reads "Bring back Street Hawk".

We are currently in negotiations with ABC.

7. "Life on Earth has an extra-terrestrial origin."

Apparently some Galactic Emperor brought all his enemies here on DC-10s, and tied them up next to volcanoes and then detonated atomic bombs inside the volcanoes to kill everyone, and we're like their trapped spirits or something. It's really cool. I have a book here if you want to have a read...